just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
