so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
