just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
