he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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