i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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