my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
