So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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