Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
