She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
