happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
