The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
