you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
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anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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