Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
