ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
sex in a hospital.. check
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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