hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
