Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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