My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
