): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
