hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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