Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
