Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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