MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
