what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Randomize
