You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
whose ass print is on the piano?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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