Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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