im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
