She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
