Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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