I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
