i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
