It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
