Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
