Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just pee around me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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