i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
