just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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