is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
