I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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