His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
