I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
