Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm gonna have a badass scar
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
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