This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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