Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
