I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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