When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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