Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
