Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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