Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
