Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just threw up on my dentist
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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