: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
