I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
third nipple confirmed
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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