I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
