So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
