i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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