i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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