That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
now i know why i became what i already was.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
