I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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