god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
