I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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