The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
