there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Randomize
