Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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