Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
