he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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