i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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