woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
