This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
