Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
