Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
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I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
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I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize