Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
